TITLE: Who!?!?!?
AUTHOR: Scorpio
EMAIL: scorpiofic@aol.com
ARCHIVE: Yes please.
FANDOM: Xena Warrior Princess
PAIRING: Strife/multiple
RATING: PG
CATEGORY: Mpreg, humor, mystery
WARNING: None, really...

SUMMARY: Strife is pregnant. Eris is thrilled. Ares isn't. Hera gets involved

Who!?!?!?
by Scorpio

~~~ part 1 ~~~

Discord paced around her Temple bored. There were no jobs to do for her twin brother Ares and her favorite mortal pets were all involved with different projects at the moment. Oh, what to do, what to do?

Sudden inspiration hit. She'd go bother her son Strife! They had an odd relationship, her and Strife. Half the time, they got along, half the time, they didn't. That was due to a combination of things. It was true that Ares played them off against one another, and Discord thought this was so they wouldn't both turn against him at once. But, she was honest enough with herself to admit it was also because she wasn't a very good mom and her and Strife just had clashing personalities.

Still, whether the argued, or joked around together, Strife was *never* boring.

With a thought, Discord disappeared from her Temple in a sizzling flash of green energy only to reappear in Strife's Temple. She looked around the main hall and smirked. Strife's idea of decorating left a lot to be desired in her opinion. Everything was done up in varying shades of gray with accents in blood red and jet black. And the furniture was not carved wood or stone, but covered in soft subtle material and overstuffed with bouncy springy fibrous stuff, so you tended to sink into it if you sat down. The young fool called them Couches and Sofas.

Discord walked from the main hall into the dinning hall. Once again, no Strife. Only more weird decor. Instead of the heavy wood tables that everyone else used, her bizarre son had a wrought iron table with a clear glass top. She shook her head in amusement.

But where could he be. She opened her hearing up a little. She *knew* he was here, she could feel his energy pattern, but where?

Then she heard it. It was soft, but definite. Someone, most likely Strife, was getting sick to their stomach in the bedroom. It was not a pleasant sound, and it seemed as if the person was very unhappy.

Quickly, Discord dashed down the hallway and into the master bedroom of the Temple. She found her son sitting up in bed, cradling a brass pot in his lap. His normally pale skin was very white and a light sheen of sweat coated his brow. He looked up and gave her a wane little smile.

"Hi Mom."

Suddenly, Strife's pale features turned a slight shade of green and he tilted his face into the pot and got sick once more. It was a nasty sound and for just a second, Discord was tempted to leave.

Then she remembered that there are only very few things that could make an Olympian throw up. As the list poured across her mind, maternal instincts rose up in her. After all, only herself or her twin Ares should be allowed to cause Strife this level of torment. No one else had the right. Putting aside her distaste at the process of regurgitation, she decided to comfort her ailing son.

Discord sat on the edge of the big soft bed and pulled Strife back so the he leaned against her chest. She materialized a cool damp cloth and gently wiped at his face and chest. With another thought, she emptied and cleaned his brass pot. The stench was killing her.

"Shhh... Little dagger. Shhh... Momma's here now. Everything's gonna be alright."

Strife graced her with a weak grin.

"You haven't called me "little dagger" since I was just a small child. I missed that." He shrugged and snuggled down into the long removed comfort of his mother's embrace. "Dagger is *still* my weapon of choice."

"Shhh... I know. *You* were always my favorite weapon,... and you always will be."

Discord began to rock them both very slowly and hummed a few bars of the battle song that she used to sing to him as a baby to help him fall asleep. She watched his eyes light up in recognition and his smile grew wider.

"Tell Momma now,... what made you so sick. I can only think of a few things that Olympians would react that violently too. Did someone poison you with Barrickt Powder?... Just tell Momma and she will bring you back their severed head, okay?"

Strife leaned his head back at an angle and kissed her on the cheek. His eyes sparkled and his grin was huge.

"Oh Momma, that's the sweetest thing anyone has said ta me in a long time. You're the best, ya know that? But, ta answer the question, naw, nobody poisoned me and naw, I didn't get drunk on any a that stuff Dionysis brews up either."

"But..."

Discord frowned. She tried to think, but a little voice inside her head kept jumping up and down trying to get her attention.

"Ya see Mom. I'm... ah... That is, You're... um... Well,... I'm kinda... That is... I went and ah... gotmyselfpregnantandthatiswhyiwasthrowingup."

"What?"

"Uh... You're going to be a Grandmother."

"What!"

"I, ah... said, I'm pregnant. That's why I was throwing up. Ya know, morning sickness and all."

Discord felt waves of shock and surprise roll over her one after the other. Pregnant! Grandmother! Morning sickness! Oh my gosh! Oh my goodness! Oh sweet stars and battlefields! Oh Zeus!

"Momma,..." Strife's voice was small and shaky. "You're not,... mad at me are you?"

Discord looked down into her son's face. He was scared that she would reject him. That was very easy to read. He was frightened of the changes that would enter his life and happen to his body. That was also easy to read. Discord thought back to *her* pregnancy and inwardly cringed. No one except her twin brother Ares had stood by her,... not even Strife's father. The one time closeness she had enjoyed with her sisters faded to nothing and her brothers all thought it was a fun joke. Only Ares understood how frightened and alone she had felt and only he had held her hand through the whole ordeal.

"No baby. I'm *not* mad at you. How could I be mad at my little dagger for givin' me a grandbaby?

Strife's smile was like the sun coming up. Discord pulled him tighter to her and smiled into his hair.

"So..." she whispered into his metal studded ear, "Who's the father?"

"Oh,... no one. I mean, *I* grew up with out a father. You and Unc did real good by me. So,... I figured, that I would just do what you did. Have the kid on my own, ya know? I know I can count on you ta be by my side like Unc did for you. Just you, me and the baby. We don't need anyone else."

Discord could feel the curiosity growing inside her, but she understood the desire to not name names. That's how *she* had done it, after all. She didn't want to push him about it and upset him. His condition was too delicate right now. Maybe she would get it out of him later.

Discord stood up and removed the brass pot. She fluffed up the pillows and helped Strife get comfortable. Tucking the soft comforter up under his chin, she petted his wild hair and crooned a soft battle tune to him until he drifted off to sleep.

She materialized a sheet of parchment that explained she had to go, but that she would be back later. Then, in a sizzle of green energy, Discord flashed out. Her destination,... Ares Temple.

~~~ part 2 ~~~

Ares was sitting at his table enjoying a breakfast of sweetcakes and cold milk when Discord flashed into the room with the static crackle of green energy. He glanced up at the triumphantly smug expression on her admittedly beautiful face and groaned. As a First Lieutenant and his second in command, she was pretty good, as an annoying and pesky sister, she excelled.

"What!? Can't you see I'm eating here?"

"Oh fine! Far be it for *me* to disturb your *breakfast* with important news. *I* would *never* want to be accused of interfering with such an *important* thing as *sweetcakes*."

Ares was sure that if sarcasm were to suddenly become a physical thing, it would be dripping off his sister like slime. He considered blasting her through the wall of his kitchen, but quickly dismissed the idea as too much cleanup and not enough reward. She'd just get bitchy. Instead, he rolled his eyes and gave in. It was sometimes easier when dealing with the Goddess of Discord if you just let her have her own way.

"Fine. Whatever. Just spill it Eris. I'm really not in the mood for playing games right now."

Ares watched as a slight frown marred her delicate and deceptively soft features. He smirked inwardly. She had been hoping for a bit of a fight and he just ruined that. Good.

Suddenly, she smiled again. A blinding smile of happiness. Ares raised one eyebrow in curiosity. It must be something major if losing a chance at an argument was forgotten so fast.

"I'm gonna be a Grandmother!"

Eris beamed. Ares frowned.

"What?..."

"Strife's pregnant. I'm gonna be a Grandmother."

Eris radiated joy and excitement. Stunned, Ares fell off his chair. He sat there on the cold hard flagstones in a daze. Strife,... pregnant! For a full minute he considered how this would effect all his plans. The jobs that he would normally assign his Second Lieutenant would have to be changed so that others could handle it. The danger that Strife normally faced would have to be avoided and his abilities would be curtailed since so much energy would be diverted to the unborn child. It would be such a major pain in the ass.

Suddenly, a *different* thought entered Ares mind. One that caused him to literally fly up off of the floor and onto his feet. Caught between a mix of terror and uncontrollable happiness, Ares realized something important. The child could be *his*!!! He smiled. Now,... that would be someone to reckon with,... the child of War and Mischief, huh?

Ares smile faded just as quickly. Strife was known for being,... well, an easy lay. He had several lovers of both the Godly and mortal kind. The females could all be discounted out of hand,... but *any* of the males could be responsible for his current... condition.

Turning quickly, he glared at his sister.

"Who?"

"Who, what?"

The smirk was all he needed to know. She knew what he meant, but had found a way to play with him anyway. Ares ground his teeth.

"Who. Is. The. Father. Of. Strife's. Child."

Discord giggled. Ares stalked towards her with death in his eyes. She just laughed harder and put out a hand towards him as if to stop him.

"I don't know. :::chuckle::: He wouldn't say. :::giggle::: Says he wants to :::snort::: do it alone like me. :::giggle:::"

Ares rolled his eyes. Great. Like mother, like son. Well,... not *this* time. Ares figured that he had a right to pry,... after all, it could be *his* child Strife was carrying.

"STRIFE!"

In a flash of blue energy, the Mischief God appeared. He was wearing shimmering silver pajamas and had a black velvet blanket draped around his shoulders. He yawned in Ares face.

"Yeah Unc?"

Ares looked at Strife quizzically.

"What's with the outfit?"

"I was sleepin', k? Don't get your panties in a bunch."

Both of Ares eyebrows shot up into his hair at the grumpy reply. He was about to smack his nephew for the insolent remark when he remembered that it wouldn't be good for the baby. With a snarl, he let it pass.

"I hear congratulations are in order."

Strife seemed to wake up at that. He glanced at his mother for a second and then turned back to Ares. He shrugged.

"She told ya, huh?"

"Yeah, she did. If you want something to be a secret,... don't tell Discord."

"It's not a secret. I just didn't think anyone would really care."

Ares blinked. What a strange thought.

"So,... who's the father?"

"No one."

Ares blinked again.

"If *that's* what you think, I should send you to your Aunt 'Dite. You're in need of some serious education."

Discord giggled. Strife scowled.

"Very funny. That's not what I meant."

"Well... what did you mean?"

"I mean that it's not important. It doesn't matter who the father is,... cause I'm not tellin'."

The open defiance was unexpected and Ares created the ball of fire without thinking about it. Discord gasped and dashed in front of her pregnant son. Strife simply disappeared in a flash of blue light. Ares, realizing what he had been about to do, dissipated the fireball.

He turned to Discord and got an idea.

"We gotta figure out who the father is. Most importantly, we have to figure out if *I'm* the father."

"How are we going to do that? He *isn't* gonna say."

"Well, we are going to get the other candidates and bring them here. I know he's sleeping with Cupid and this thief named Autolycus."

Eris nodded her head, lost in thought.

"He's also sleepin' with that guy who follows Xena around,... uh, Joxer I think."

Ares raised an eyebrow at that.

"Really?"

Eris nodded. Ares paced as the plan began to form in his mind.

"Okay. I'll go get the thief, you go get the :::he chuckled::: *Master of Mayhem* and we'll meet back here. Once we've got the mortals, I'll call my son Cupid and we'll try and figure it out."

"Got it."

Ares watched as Discord's eyes unfocused and she searched for the mortal Joxer. Suddenly, she grinned at Ares and disappeared in a flash of green energy. Nodding in satisfaction, Ares closed his eyes and looked for Auto. He found him in a small inn with a cheep woman. He couldn't help the cruel smile at the thought of their reaction to being woken up by the God of War. With his deep chuckle lingering in the air, Ares flashed out in a shower of red energy.

~~~ part 3 ~~~

"CUPID!!!"

Cupid flinched slightly at the loud bellow that suddenly rang through his Temple. Then, he rolled his eyes. Just *once* he'd like to be summoned without all the yelling.

Quickly, he gathered up Bliss and transported them to his Mom's Temple. He found the blonde Goddess of Love in front of her vanity, brushing out her long golden curls. As soon as she saw him, she flashed a blinding smile and tilted her cheek towards him. He leaned down and kissed her soft skin.

"Um... Mom. Dad bellowed for me. Ahhh, do you think that you could keep an eye on Bliss for me? I shouldn't be too long."

"Sure babe. Not a problem. Me and Bliss'll have a great time." She reached out her arms and gathered up the small child. "Won't we sweety."

Bliss ran his pudgy hands through Aphrodite's curls.

"Ohhh... Pretty."

'Dite beamed and giggled. Bliss giggled back. Cupid grinned at his son with pride,... so young and he already had the ladies wrapped around his fingers.

"CUPID!!! NOW!!!"

Ares angry voice rattled a few vases on the mantle over the fireplace. 'Dite wrinkled up her delicate nose and Cupid cringed.

"Sorry... gotta go."

In a cascade of silver sparks and rose petals, Cupid transported himself to his father's Temple. Once there, he looked around and had to actively restrain himself from offering to redecorate. All the unrelieved black was so... depressing.

He figured he was in trouble, but he *did* have a few weapons at his disposal. He pouted at his father. He *knew* he was absolutely irresistible when he pouted.

"What?"

It wasn't *quite* a whine.

"Good. You're here. Now we can get this settled."

Cupid looked around. Dad. Aunt Eris. Okay,... that was normal and expected. But... two mortals? Auto and Joxer? What was going on?

"Uh... Dad? Get what settled?"

Ares turned to look him straight in the eye. He was *very* serious. Whatever it was, it was important.

"Strife is pregnant."

Cupid felt a wall of shock hit him. Hard. Pregnant?!? Strife!?! Suddenly, a loud clattering sound from off to the side snapped his attention around to the left.

Joxer had fainted.

Cupid and the other mortal, Autolycus, rushed over to the fallen man. Cupid gently tapped him on his cheek.

"Wakey upy."

Suddenly, Auto's face went pale and he turned shakily to face Ares.

"Uhhh,... Ares,... You're not planning on killing me over this are you? I mean,... Uh... how was *I* to know that Gods could get pregnant? So,... uh... I would really appreciate it if you, ya know, didn't zap me into a pile of goo and all." Auto frowned slightly. "And what's Joxer doing here?"

Cupid watched his father glare at the human. He cringed.

"Auto. Shut up or I *will* kill you. Joxer is here for the same reason we *all* are. To figure out *who* it was that got Strife pregnant. He won't say."

Suddenly, it all made sense to Cupid. They were there because they were all Strife's lovers. He helped the mortal to stand and walked over to Discord. He was about to ask her what she thought would make Strife change his mind and confess when Joxer began to speak.

"Well,... whoever the father is,... I hope he names the child Sockii,... or maybe Selursera."

Cupid turned to look at the mortal. He was stunned that the man thought that was the important issue. He was about to tell Joxer to get with the program when Discord jumped in the conversation.

"Don't be silly. My grandchild is going to be called Kris,... or maybe Merlin."

Ares did a double take.

"Merlin? What century do you think this is? Eris, my sister, you are a nut case. The child will be named Shamenka or maybe Belynda."

Cupid felt his jaw drop. How could they think this was important. How come they weren't itching to figure out who the father was?

"Oh. I don't know." Auto drawled, rubbing at his goatee. "I kind of like the names Peja or Erin. They both have a nice ring to `em."

Joxer shook his head, rattling the loose contraption he called a helmet.

"No, Auto. Sockii is a good name."

Auto glared at his friend.

"Erin."

"Listen mortals. It's *my* Temple, so I say Shamenka. Or maybe Belynda."

Discord snorted and was about to jump in with her ideas again. Cupid felt the need to state *his* opinion as well. After all, it could just as easily be *his* child too.

"Um... I think maybe Bard. Or perhaps Poet."

Everyone stopped and stared at him like he was a nut.

"What?"

Joxer came over and patted him on the shoulder and gave him a "humoring the lunatic" type of look.

"Uhhh... Cupid. I don't know how to break it to you, but those aren't names,... they're *jobs*."

Cupid scowled and Joxer scampered away behind Auto.

Cupid was about to retort when his mother and son flashed in with a cascade of flowers raining around them. 'Dite looked around at the arguing mortals and Gods then motioned Cupid over to them.

"Hey Cupie. What's going on here?"

"Strife is pregnant and everyone is arguing over what name he should give the child."

Cupid watched his mother as she absorbed the news and shook off the shock. Then she smiled and inwardly, he groaned. He watched as she put Bliss down on Ares' throne and marched over to the group and burst into the conversation.

"*I* like the name JamAzon,... or maybe CrysTal."

"Kris!" Discord shouted.

"JamAzon!"

"No! Merlin!"

"Get lost! CrysTal!"

Cupid cringed as Discord took a swing at his mom. 'Dite ducked and then flung a blast of energy at Eris. The flash of sparkling pink energy enveloped the Goddess of Discord for a moment and then dissipated. When it was gone, Eris was standing there, her long shiny black hair now a mass of blonde curls. 'Dite conjured a mirror and held it out for Discord to see. The once dark Goddess looked into the glass, threw her hands to her hair and screamed.

Cupid shook his head and Ares burst into howls of mirth. It was going to be a *long* day.

~~~ part 4 ~~~

Hera had heard all the fuss of course. Very little happened on Olympus that escaped her knowledge. Then again,... very little happened on Olympus had the ability to hold her true attention or to make her want to get actively involved. She was just always so busy, but this... this was worthy of her time. In fact,... in a way, it was her duty to see this through. After all, pregnancy was in *her* domain of power and expertise.

Gathering her power to her, Hera flashed into her grandson Strife's Temple in a crackling shower of golden energy. She found the young Godling at his glass table eating a sandwich. She walked across the floor and gestured to one of the empty chairs.

"May I?"

Strife smiled.

"Of course. You know you're always welcome here Grandmorther."

Hera sat down and grinned at the pale young God before her.

"You always were the sweetest little thing. A nasty streak a mile wide,..." Hera shrugged. "But that's part of your charm."

Strife giggled and took another bite of his food.

"What are you eating there Sweetling?"

"An olive, onion, and ham sandwich,... with sour-cream."

Hera shuddered.

"Want one?"

"No! I,... uh... mean, no thank you Sweetling. Nice of you to offer though."

Strife shrugged and quickly finished his meal.

"So,... Grandmother. What can I do for you?"

"Rumor has it that you are with child my dear."

Hera watched in silent amusement as her youngest grandson blushed. Silently, he nodded his head yes. She smiled.

"In fact,... everyone seems to be arguing over what you should name the baby."

"Really?"

She noticed how his eyes lit up at that news. She figured that he was getting a kick out of causing mischief without even trying. She was right. With a flex of power, Hera summoned a scrying mirror and set it to view Ares Temple. Together, they watched as Ares, Discord, Cupid, Aphrodite, Joxer and Autolycus argued and fought over what the child's name should be.

They both laughed over Discord's blonde hair and Aphrodite's new mole on the end of her normally perfect nose. They howled as Auto chased Joxer around while screaming obscenities. The mortal, Joxer was trying to hide behind things, but he kept tipping them over. Ares and Cupid kept threatening each other with various spells and hardships.

But the funniest thing was Bliss. Left to his own devices, the toddler was turning Ares' Temple into a riot of conflicting colors. He was just coming into his powers, and he *loved* to play with bright colorful things. Hera almost burst something laughing at the emerald green and lemon yellow stripped statue of War.

Finally, Hera banished the mirror and pulled herself together. A few leftover giggles escaped and she shared a long hug with Strife.

"That was fun Sweetling. Now I know why you like to cause trouble."

Stirfe winked at her and giggled some more. She stood up and took his hand.

"Come on dear one. Let's go into your bedroom. I want to examine you and make sure that both you and the baby are healthy."

"Yes Grandmother."

With that, the Goddess of Childbirth led her pregnant grandson into the master bedroom of the Temple. She helped him to get comfortable on the bed.

"Okay. Remove your shirt and loosen your pants. You don't have to take them off, but lower them to under your navel."

Once Strife was all ready, Hera ran her hands gently across his stomach. She opened her mind and let her powers flow. She could sense the unborn child easily. It was only a matter of moments before she was certain that both the child and Strife were perfectly healthy.

"Everything is just fine dear one."

Strife let out a big sigh of relief. Hera smiled.

"So,...are you going to tell me who did this? I *can* find out on my own you know?"

Strife looked startled.

"You can?!"

Hera raised an eyebrow at him.

"Of course I can. I *am* the Goddess of Childbirth after all."

Hera sat down on the end of the bed and watched as conflicting emotions flashed across Strife's face. She could feel his need to keep quiet and the desire to tell battle each other. He was torn and she took pity on him

"I won't tell a soul if you don't want me too. I've kept secrets before you know."

She waited a moment more. She saw in his eyes the instant that he decided to confide in her,... but she waited until he was ready to say it.

He took a deep breath and then released it.

"It was... Jason... of Corinth."

Confusion rushed through her mind for a second and then understanding replaced it.

"Jason,... Alcemene's Jason?"

Strife shrugged and nodded.

For half a second, Hera was horrified. Then the humor of it all washed over her and she laughed. Hugging her pregnant grandson to her she howled with mirth, tears of ironic joy streaming down her face. Her greatest enemy, the one who brought shame to her, the woman she despised above all others,... had a cheating husband too!

"Oh Strife Sweetling! I *love* you!"

END: "Who!?!?!?"

Scorpio
8th Sign of the Zodiac
--- scorpiofic@aol.com ---