Yahoo is being a PRICK again! There are at least two chapters that didn't go through to any of my yahoo groups, so I'm going through My Groups and posting them ONE----AT----A----TIME...

Title: You Knew What You Were Getting Into 15/?
Author: Scribe
Fandom: Xena
Pairing:Ares/Joxer est.
Status: WIP Previous sections can be found at http://www.AresJoxerCupidStrife.com
Series/Sequel: Part of the Love and Mischief Universe
Summary: Joxer had a C-Section. Impetua got here through Strife's bellybutton. How is Ares going to bring his babies into the world? Archive: Yes
Feedback: Yes. On list, or to poet77665@catlover.com
Disclaimer: I did not create and do not own any readily recognizable media characters. I have no agreement, legal or otherwise, with the creators or owners. This is purely for entertainment--I have not made, do not seek, and will not accept any profit for it. This story is in no way meant to reflect on the lives or life styles of the actors/actresses who originally portrayed the characters. I have nothing but fond affection and respect for them, for giving me so much entertainment, and no disrespect is meant by anything herein.
Rating: Adult for series
Warnings:
Notes: Ares is eight and a half months along at the beginning, and an evil, evil, EVIL idea just occured to me. *rubs hands together*
Personal Websites: http://www.scribescribbles.com and http://www.angelfire.com/grrl/foxluver (which can be reached through the previous site).

You Knew What You Were Getting Into, 15/?
by Scribe

Chapter Fifteen

Accord shrugged on his vest, then stamped his foot the last fraction of an inch into his boot. He considered going and asking Joxer to braid his hair again, then paused. Smiling, he pulled it into a simple tail, thinking, *I believe I'll see how Bliss would feel about braiding it for me. He knows how. He used to do it for Imp after Scribe let her see that Star Wars movie, and she started wanting the teeny, skinny braid.* As he left his room he thought, *Of course instead of a little one in front she ended up with dozens of them all over her head. She looked like a little Medusa. At least I THINK she did, since I've never actually SEEN a Medusa--thank Zeus.* He chuckled as he walked down the hall. *Boy, Aphrodite looked like she's swallowed a fork when she saw her.*

He was coming near his parents' room now, and he saw Joxer standing in the hall outside their door. He slowed, frowing. Neither of his fathers usually just loitered around in the hall. Joxer was leaning back against the wall, arms crossed, head cocked toward the door, obviously listening. Accord hadn't been paying attention to the noises, but now he did. The voice floating out from the bedroom was obviously that of his other father--Ares. He was swearing a blue streak.

As he approached, Joxer held a finger to his lips in a shushing gesture. He stopped and whispered, "What's going on? Why is Dad scorching the air this time?"

Joxer whispered, "He's trying to get out of bed, and not having any notable success."

Ares voice rose in a particularly salty turn of phrase. "Aren't you going to go in and help him up?"

"Of course I am, but not till he ASKS to be helped. The last time I tried to help him up from anything he waved me away so sharply that if his hand had made contact it would have slapped me across the room. Ace has TOLD him not to strain trying to get up and down, but you know how stubborn he is. Well, he can just lay there until he admits that he needs some help."

They both listened for another moment, then Accord whispered, "It HAS occured to you that he might be willing to lay there till he has the kids?"

"I'm hoping it doesn't come to that, but he's perfectly capable of thinking himself up food and a chamberpot if he needs it." He smiled, and wiggled his eyebrows. "Of course tehre are SOME instances where it's a bit more difficult to use the chamberpot while lying down. Now, Scribe has told me about these things in the future called 'bedpans'..."

"I love you but dag, you're gross sometimes, Dad."

"Son, when you're dealing with the physical aspects of pregnancy, being able to handle a few crudities is a matter of survival."

"JOXER! DAMN IT TO TARTARUS, GET IN HERE AND HAUL MY FAT ASS OFF THIS BED!" Ares might have been pregnant, but he could still manage a very respectable roar.

"Coming, dear," called Joxer. He glanced at Accord. "Have a nice time with Bliss."

"How do you know that's where I was going?" asked Accord. Joxer gave him a look. "Right. I'm so obvious."

"Some things aren't easy to keep under wraps." Joxer went into the bedroom as Accord continued on down the hall. Ares had managed to turn so that his legs dangled over the edge of the mattress, but there was no way that he could sit up with the mound of his belly in the way. "You know, you're going to have to stop doing that. If your butt ever slides, you'll fall, and that could be dangerous."

"I know, I know."

Joxer grabbed both of Ares hands, braced his feet against Ares' feet so that he wouldn't slip, and hauled--but carefully. Ares arose slowly... majestically. When he was finally upright he blew out a breath, and Joxer patted him. "Remember what Ace told you about that. You need to BREATHE, Ar. Hold your breath, and you strain. Strain, and the babies might go 'hey, is it time?'"

Ares put a hand at the small of his back, wincing. "I swear, Joxer, I don't know how you did it."

"It's worse for you. You're carrying more."

"Still, what you must have gone through..." He hugged Joxer, somehow managing a close embrace around his belly, and kissed him.

"I like it," said Joxer. "But was it for anything in particular?"

"It was because you must really love me to have gone through this to have our child."

Joxer smiled at him. "Give yourself some of that credit. Much as I love Accord, let's face it--he was an accident. But these..." Joxer caressed Ares' belly. "You went out LOOKING for these kids."

Ares grunted, and smiled grimly. "Yeah. It's a good thing I don't plan on using the martyr gambit with them."

Joxer slipped an arm around Ares' shoulders as they headed for the breakfast table. "Just remember: twins--guilting them over what you're now enduring is PERFECTLY acceptable. Man, you should have heard my Mom sometimes..."

"Joxer? Your Mom was a bitch."

"Well... yeah. That doesn't mean she wasn't DAMN uncomfortable."

"No more kids for at least a few decades, huh? Give us both a chance to rest, recuperate, and enjoy the ones we have." He sighed. "Okay, let's go see Apollo."

"Before you have breakfast? I don't think so." Ares rolled his eyes. He held out his hand, and something appeared on his palm. "What's that?"

"Scribe told me about it. It's called a 'sandwich'." Ares peeled up the top slice of bread to show Joxer what was inside. "Egg, ham, cheese, and bread. When we get there I'll drink a glass of milk and eat a banana. You can't say that isn't a good breakfast."

"It'd be better for your digestion if you sat down and took your time."

"Joxer, we're going to discuss how I can deliver these babies. My digestion is going to be screwed, no matter what."

~*~

Apollo's priest was more than happy to bring Ares a glass of milk and a banana. Joxer didn't really need anything, but he politely accepted a glass of wine and some cookies. For a long time he'd refused such little courtesies, not wanting to cause any bother, till Ares asked him if he realized that by turning away these freely offered gestures of affection and respect he was insulting the mortals.

Apollo finished checking on the few patients he had at his temple, then went to greet his visitors. He gave Ares a quick check, nodding in satisfaction. "You're so healthy that it's almost disgustingly earthy. Put your feet up on that stool." As Joxer helped Ares prop his feet up, Apollo settled on the sofa beside him. "Okay, we can't wait any longer to decide how you're going to deliver the babies. You only have between two and three weeks left, and..." he smiled at Joxer, "we all know that even with me it's just an educated guess. First thing, we COULD do a surgical extraction, like we did with Joxer. I don't like that, though. We did it for Joxer because there was no way to slow down or stop the labor, and I was afraid that a strain was being put on the baby. But it's never a good thing to slice someone's abdomen open, so I want some other way of doing it."

"How about the way Strife did it?" said Joxer.

"I don't think that would be feasible, since we're talking about a multiple birth. Impetua had to really push to get out, and I'd be worried about the second baby."

Ares lowered his glass of milk and glared at Apollo. "You're not going to suggest the other natural passage, are you?"

"Please. I'm not that gross. Besides, no matter how well you clean, I just wouldn't be comfortable with the risk of infection."

"Well, I'm stumped," said Joxer. "If it isn't through an incision, through the bellybutton, or... uh... How else could it be done?"

"Ares," said Apollo, "You aren't going to like this. I want you to keep repeating to yourself--'for the sake of my children'."

Ares looked at Joxer. "I don't like the sound of this. Okay. 'For the sake of my children'--what?"

"I've been working with Gaia. You know how many creatures of the lower order are both male and female--like worms? And Joxer, with all your gardening I'm sure that you know that flowers have both male and female reproductive parts."

"I'm not sure I like the direction this conversation is turning," said Ares.

"Just shut up and let me explain this, please. I thought that the best way to deliver babies would be in the way that was originally provided."

"Since I don't have a vagina," said Ares heavily, "that would be a problem."

"This is going to take forever if you keep interrupting me. Okay, we know that there's a fairly easy way to provide female bits--witness Hermaphroditus. However that's permanent, and I was sure you wouldn't want that."

"No joke."

Apollo ignored the interruption and kept talking. "The object was to figure out a way to provide an exit for the babies that could be removed, or healed, or whatever afterward. I discussed things with Gaia--since she's the one who invented flowers, she'll know more about it than anyone else. She took a great interest in this project, we've worked together..." he smiled, "and I'm very pleased with the results."

He waited. Joxer put his arm around Ares' shoulders. "Babe?"

Ares sighed. "Go on."

"For the past five or six months she's been breeding and cross- breeding plants and flowers, and she's finally come up with a completely unique flower. She calls it the Transitive Hermaphroditus." Apollo materialized a small scroll and unrolled it, showing it to Joxer and Ares. It was a delicately colored picture of a feathery looking flower. It was lavender, with pink tinting along the ruffled edges of the petals.

"Oh, it's pretty!" said Joxer. "I need to get her to let me have some seeds. I'd love to have a patch of those in our garden."

"Not gonna happen, Joxer," said Apollo, rolling the parchment up again. "She created this plant for one reason, and one reason only. Once it's accomplished it's appointed task she's going to destroy every example of it, every seed, every petal, every note she made about the creation process. She said that she might have produced it naturally, but it does things that Nature never intended, and the potential for abuse is too great. She's only doing this because there's more than one baby involved." He smiled. "She said that every other male that gets pregnant can just deal with getting an outie bellybutton."

"What do we do with this plant?" asked Joxer. "Is Ares going to have to eat them, or rub them on his tummy, or what?"

"Nothing with the flowers themselves. In fact, we don't want anyone handling them without protection, and those who DO handle them need to do so as little as possible. I took over after she came up with the plant, and I've concocted an ointment. The ointment is rubbed carefully on one small section of the pregnant male's abdoment, several times a day. Over a period of time the muscles shift. Finally there's what looks like a seam just beneath a thin skin. Now, once it appears you have to be very, very careful till it's time for the birth. In fact, I think I'll insist on bed rest. Nature tells the baby 'time to go', and they'll start trying to make their way out, instinctively going for the most natural method of escape. What looks like a seam is actually a slit, closed by a thin skin, and the baby will easily push her way through. Voila."

"It can't be that simple," said Ares.

"It's hardly simple," said Apollo. "A lot of work went into this."

"But how do you know it's going to work?" asked Joxer. "You haven't tried it on anyone else."

"Oh, yes I have. I wouldn't suggest this if I hadn't experimented." He waved his hand, and a bell chimed. A priest hurried in, and he said, "Ask Goddess Scribe to bring the surprise." The man bowed and left.

Ares groaned. "Scribe?"

"Don't start," said Joxer. "She's been very good to you, keeping you supplied with future junk food. Where else would you have gotten Cheetos and Mallomars?"

"I know, I know. But last time she saw me she sang some song called 'Havin' My Baby'."

Scribe came in. She had a large, covered wicker basket cradled in her arms, and she was grinning. "Hello, papas. How's the future offspring?"

"Kicking like a member of the chorus in one of Jayce's productions," said Ares.

"Some people would say that indicated a boy," she said. *peep* Ares stared at the basket. She said nothing, only smiling. *chirp* *peep*

"Lovebirds or chickens?" said Ares.

Joxer rolled his eyes. "Kittens, Ar. The peeps are the babies, and the chirp is the mother talking to them."

"Correctamundo," said Scribe. She flipped open the lid and bent down, showing the basket interior to the two men. A very small, silky black cat, sprawled on her side, blinked up at them sleepily. Two fluffy kittens, looking like all fur and round butts and heads, were cuddled at her side. "Meet Mamacita, Fudge, and Coco."

"Cute," said Ares, reaching in to tickle the mother cat under the chin. He was rewarded with a shrill purr. "But what's this got to do with anything."

"Joxer, hold this." Scribe settled the basket in Joxer's arms. "Now, look at this." She gently pushed Mamacita's leg to the side and brushed at the soft fur on her belly.

Ares bend forward, and scowled. "A scar. What happened to this cat?"

"It's not a scar," said Apollo. "Well, not exactly. You see, Mamacita had a birth defect--a slight malformation of the hips that made it very dangerous for her to get pregnant. If she tried to give birth in the normal way, she'd probably die."

"I thought I had her on the 'no kitties' potion," said Scribe, "but..." She shrugged. "You know cats. I was so upset when I realized she was preggers. I just knew I was going to lose both her and the babies."

"I'll say," said Apollo. "I found her bawling her eyes out. When she explained what had happened I knew that this was a perfect chance to test the new birth method." He reached in and scratched Mamacita behind the ears. "We used the ointment on her the last couple of weeks of her pregnancy, and the opening developed, just as I'd predicted. When her time came, the kittens popped out of the created opening, as neat as you please."

Ares bent down and studied the faint pink line more closely. Mamacita started to groom his hair. Ares gave the cat a wry look. "Thank you." *meow* He sat back up. "You're SURE that it will close up and disappear?"

"She gave birth three days ago," said Apollo, "and as you can see, she's almost completely healed up. I expect every trace to disappear eventually, and mother and babies doing fine. If you absolutely won't agree to this I can take the babies with a knife, but I have to tell you, Ares--I don't want to. No matter how skillful I am, no matter how smoothly the operation goes, it would still be a trauma for both you, and the babies. I watched this birth, and as births go it was smooth, and easy on the mother and infants."

Ares was silent for a momen. Then he reached out and ran a fingertip over the faintly seen line on the cat's belly. The cat licked his hand. "It doesn't hurt her, does it?"

"I'm pretty sure that the discomfort passed more quickly than it does after most natural births."

Ares thought some more. "Okay."

Apollo almost wilted in relief. Scribe gave Ares the thumbs up sign. "No disrespect to Eris, but you're going to be the toughest mother on record." She grinned as she picked up the basket. "And you can interpret that any way you please. Now, Mamacita, let's go see about getting you some nice, oily fish. Her needs lots and lots of protien to feed her babies, yes her does," she crooned as she walked out.

Apollo stood up. "I'll go get the ointment, and a scroll with detailed instructions on it's use. You're going to have to be very conscientious about this. Remember, there's no telling when the babies will decide it's time, and we want to be ready."

After he left, Ares looked at Joxer and said, "You DO realize that you're not going to see me naked again till after the children are born?"

"Oh, yeah? Who's going to rub that ointment on your tummy, then? You darn sure aren't going to be able to reach far enough to do it efficiently." He cut his eyes at Ares and said casually. "Though I suppose Strife would be happy to help you with..."

"Don't even THINK that! Tartarus, I hope Apollo doesn't let this slip to anyone else, because I'll never..."

*FLASH*

Strife appeared, created a chair, then flopped in it comfortably. He grinned at Ares and said, "So, did 'Pol tell ya that yer gonna have a chance ta sing 'I've Looked At Love From Both Sides Now'?"

Joxer tried to fight down a snicker as Ares said grimly, "If he's lucky, I'll have forgotten that I want to kill him by the time I'm capable of physical exertion again."