Updated Part

Title - A Most Precious Gift
Author - Red Falcon
E-Mail address - PantherMate@aol.com
Rating - NC-17
Classification - how the heck do you classify something like this other than it's a story
Spoilers - there may be some before this is done but i'm not sure yet. see individual parts for that.
Author's note - I'll likely say this a hundred times as I post stuff to this site. This is my universe and while the JAG characters belong to whom they belong to, everything else is mine and I shall do as I please with them. In other words: my universe, my rules.
Summary - After being betrayed when he was younger, Harm finally trusts another man with his secrete and dares to let another man touch him one more time.

Disclaimer: Standard stuff. The rest belong to whom they belong to. By all means this and any future stories of mine may be archived.

Author's Further Notes: Since this is an AU type story, I'm having the military handle this kind of thing better than it most likely would if it would really happen. There are no regs against same sex relationships. For men like Harm, regs are even more generous. As long as both the partners are either enlisted or both commissioned, regs are helpful for them to have a family. It can even help advance both careers if they were of a mind to take advantage of it.

----------------------------------------------------------------------

A Most Precious Gift
By Red Falcon

/ April 1979 /

Billy was slowly undressing him, enjoying every inch of exposed skin on his new lover. The night before, he and Harm had a long talk about where they wanted to go and what they wanted from each other. Billy was the first person, other than his mother, and presumably his father, that knew his secretes. Billy was anxious to see for himself, to feel for himself what it was like to fuck his friend that way. Harm told him that it was possible that he could get pregnant if they weren't careful. They were both too young for to have kids, but down the road in their relationship Harm was more than willing for it to happen.

Billy eased his way into that secrete place behind his lover's balls slowly. "Good Lord, Harm, you're tight." Billy said.

"Just go slow. I've never let anyone have me that way." Harm panted.

It hurt like crazy but it also felt amazing. Billy was indeed very careful, as if he were taking a girl for the first time. Before too long though both boys were very horny and Billy pounded into Harm over and over again. Harm's own cock was taking an active interest in what Billy was doing to him and was very hard and spitting pre-cum. When Billy finally tensed and spilled his seed into Harm's virgin pussy, Harm also came, rather hard and the poor boy passed out. Billy held him close and stroked his hair until Harm began to stir.

"That was incredible. I never would have believed it could be that good. Thank you Harm." Billy said and he kissed Harm tenderly.

They spent the rest of the weekend screwing each other's brains out. By the time that weekend was over, Harm was carrying a secrete, though he didn't know it yet. He was still determined to find his father and was writing to a Marine Colonel that was still in Asia.

/ June 1979 /

"Billy, I've got to do this. It may be the only chance I'll ever get to find him. I won't be gone that long, I promise." Harm said as he packed.

"I don't want you to get hurt doing this. I'll be here waiting for you." Billy said.

"Thank you for understanding. I'll be back and then we can decide what we want to do." Harm said and was gone in the night.

/ Enroute back to the states /

As it turned out the entire trip was a bust. Harm started feeling sick part way through the jungle trek but refused to say anything. It wasn't until Stryker got him back to his hooch, that he noticed. Then it was a frantic trip to the airfield and a long trip back to the world.

By the time the flight was half way done, Harm was very sick and hurt all over. An ambulance was waiting for him when the plane landed and whisked him off to the hospital. It took the doctors five hours to fix what was wrong and in the end Harm lost the baby he was carrying.

"I'm sorry, Mrs. Burnett but your son lost the baby. There's just so little know about boys like him, we just don't know what to expect when one of them gets pregnant." The doctor said with a heavy heart.

"Will he be all right?" she asked.

"Yes, most definitely. And maybe in a few years, when he's older and we know more, he can try again. But for now, he's just too weak and frankly too damn young to be trying to have a family. He's got a lot of living to do before he settles down with children." The doctor said.

"As long as he is all right, that's the important thing. When can I see him?" Trish asked.

"Of coarse. He's asleep and has no idea what was really wrong. It's going to be hard on him when he finds out so be gentle if he asks you."

The doctor lead Trish to her son's bedside to wait for him to wake up. She had a pretty good idea that got her son pregnant and was a little upset that they weren't careful but she really couldn't be mad at either of them. Harm was going to need her now more than ever. First his search for his father turned out to be fruitless and now the miscarriage, how much was her son going to have to endure before he found peace? She wondered.

Several hours later, Harm still hadn't awakened. Trish left her son's room and went in search of the cafeteria for some more coffee. Billy finally crept into Harm's room once his mother was gone. Harm was starting to come around and when he opened his eyes the first thing he saw was Billy. "What happened?" Harm asked.

"Don't worry about it right now. The doctor says we can try again when you're stronger. Next time you're not running off to the other side of the world and risking our baby's life. My dad said he would give us both jobs and we can still go to college. Mom was sad to hear about this one but is really excited to hear that you still can have kids even after all this." Billy said.

"What the hell are you talking about?" Harm demanded. "You mean I was pregnant when I left? How? I thought we were careful?"

"Obviously not careful enough. Don't worry, like I said you can have more soon enough." Billy said. He had no idea how insensitive he was being.

Tears gathered in Harm's eyes at the thought of being pregnant and then losing the baby. He couldn't believe that Billy was being such an ass and talking as if their child was no big loss, already planning for the next one without even mourning this one.

"Get out of here Billy. This was a mistake, us being together. I don't want to see you again." Harm said, his voice had gone flat.

"What? Oh come on, Harm. It's not that big of a deal. We weren't even trying. Once we've established ourselves, we'll try again and be more careful." Billy said.

"No we won't I don't ever want to see you again. How could you be so cruel? Our baby is dead. We may not have been trying but it happened and now it's gone. Get out of here."

That was the last time Harm saw Billy. It took many months but eventually Harm was strong enough to go after his remaining dream, to be an aviator just like his dad.

/ Twenty years later ~ A week before Thanksgiving /

Harm had always reacted badly to stress when he was younger and it was even worse now. Nothing was going right, the admiral was still on his six for leaving, Mac was so wrapped up in her own world she didn't even know he was around anymore. Worst of all, the SecNav was on the warpath again and it looked like he wanted Rabb's head on a silver platter. Now everyone was scrambling to get their work done so they could escape for Thanksgiving and there was scuttlebutt about a recruiting video to be shot at headquarters.

Harm's body was rebelling against all the stress. His stomach was grumbling but the thought of food was making him sick. His body was also cramping up like crazy and all he wanted to do was go home and take a nice hot shower and forget the world for a while. Unfortunately, he had far too much work to finish before he could think of leaving for the day.

"Sir, I have the Jamison file you've been looking for. I found it on my desk buried under some other stuff." Bud said as he handed the thick file to his superior officer. Bud was holding a cup of coffee as he approached.

Harm caught one whiff of the harmless coffee and turned a nasty shade of green and raced for the head. He passed the admiral on the way. Chegwidden tried to get the Commander's attention but Harm was intent on not throwing up on his CO he didn't hear him. He turned and saw Bud standing in the office doorway. "What's wrong with him?" he asked.

"I don't know, sir. I just brought him a file he was looking for. He was about to say something then he turned green and ran out." Bud said.

Chegwidden followed his officer to the head and was about to give him a lesson in courtesy when he heard him being violently ill. "Are you all right, Mr. Rabb?" he asked.

"Yes, sir. Bad sushi last night I guess." Harm said. He hated to lie to the admiral but he wasn't about to admit that his world was crumbling under all the extra work and stress he was dealing with. "Nothing I can't handle, sir."

A.J. heard the toilet flush and when Harm came into sight, he was shocked to see just how pale his best lawyer really was. "Maybe you should go home and get some rest. That paperwork will still be on your desk when you get back tomorrow." A.J. offered.

Oh how Harm wished he could give in and go home. He felt, however, he had something to prove to the admiral. That he was worthy of the admiral's confidence in bringing him back. Harm was bound and determined to pull his own weight no matter what, his rebelling stomach be damned. "Thank you, sir, but I really need to get on top of that stuff before I take off for home. I'm going out to see my mother and step father this year and I would rather have as small a pile of paper work to come back to as possible." Harm said. He forced himself to look and act normal until he could get away from his boss and into the safety of his office.

"All right, but if it gets to be too much I want you to go on and go home. You won't be any good to anyone if you make yourself sick." A.J. said.

"Thank you, sir." Harm said and retreated to his office. It was already too late, he was already sick. Thankfully it was only stress induced sickness and not morning sickness. Since Harm hadn't been with another man in twenty years, being pregnant wasn't likely. Of coarse, with enemies like Palmer lurking around one couldn't be too careful.

/ No, Palmer has no idea I'm like that. No one does and that's the way it's gonna stay. I will never tell anyone about that. I may miss the feeling of being with another man but I will never again risk my heart on a jerk like Billy. / Harm once again swore to himself. After his first love hurt him so bad, Harm had never again been with another man. It hurt him too much to take the chance of being that vulnerable again and finding out the guy was an ass and be treated like a trophy. Harm may never again know the wonder of being pregnant but he would deal with it.

Harm didn't notice Bud and the admiral watching him closely as he continued to wade through his files. Harm worked diligently for the rest of the day, even working through lunch. It was near midnight when he finally had to stop and get some sleep.

"It's about time to decided to go home, Commander."

Harm was badly startled at the voice. "Take it easy, Harm, I didn't mean to scare you." A.J. said.

"I wasn't expecting anyone to still be here, sir." Harm said, trying to get his heart to start beating again.

"Like you, I was trying to wrap up some paperwork. Are you sure you're all right, Commander? You still look a little green." The admiral said.

"I haven't eaten yet. I'll get something when I get home, sir."

"You should take better care of yourself, son. There's no sense in running yourself ragged." A.J. said.

"I can handle it, sir. It's nothing new." Harm said. He tried to escape the admiral's scrutiny but had the feeling he didn't make it.

A.J. knew something was wrong with Harm but couldn't put his finger on it at the moment. He's always had a bit of a crush on the younger officer and sometimes wished Harm could feel the same way. Chegwidden always worried about all his people but Harm held a special place in his heart. When Rabb left to go back to flying, it stung his pride. When Harm wanted to come back, A.J. was ecstatic but never let on how glad he was to have the younger man back. Maybe that was a mistake. Maybe he should let Harm know how much he appreciated having him back where he belongs.

Harm made his escape and drove home. All he wanted at the moment was a hot shower and to sleep for a month. He was losing control of everything and slowly but surely getting buried. He wasn't going to ask for any special favors from the admiral. Harm desperately wanted to make up for the mistake of leaving.

When he arrived at his apartment, Harm groaned as he got out of his SUV. He was bone tired and there really wasn't anything he could do about it. Thankfully the elevator was working so he didn't have to climb the stairs to get home. He dumped his brief case, coat, and cover on the desk just inside the door. He left a trail of cloths from the door to the bathroom. He ran the water as hot as he could stand it and just stood under it. The water felt good to his miserable body. When the water started to run cold, Harm finished up and got out. Once he was dry, he didn't even have the strength left to put cloths on, he fell into bed and was sleeping the sleep of the innocent in seconds.

He slept so soundly, Harm didn't hear his alarm going off. He didn't even hear his phone ringing.

"Where the hell is Rabb? He's late, again." A.J. bellowed.

"Haven't seen him, sir." Mac said absently.

A.J. waited until 10:00 before he decided to go find Rabb himself. He drove over to Harm's building and ended up taking the stairs, the elevator wasn't working by then. Harm was so out of it, he didn't hear his CO pounding on the door. A.J. let himself in and went looking for his missing officer. A few steps into the apartment A.J. kicked Harm's dress shirt. He followed the trail of cloths to the bedroom. A.J. stopped dead in his tracks at what he saw. Harm was laying on his bed totally naked. He was curled around one of his pillows with his backside to the door. A.J. couldn't move if his life depended on it. /He's beautiful. / A.J. said to himself. Harm's long, lean body called out to be touched, A.J.'s body tightened in response. He decided to let Harm sleep, the young man needed it more than he needed to hear Chegwidden lecture him.

A.J. straightened up Harm's apartment for him and before he left, he left a little note telling Harm he had the day off and more if he felt the need. A.J. also promised to return with the day's paperwork later. He returned to the bedroom doorway for one last look before he left. "Sleep well, Harm." A.J. whispered, then was gone.

"Did you find him, sir? Is Commander Rabb all right?" Bud asked, worried.

"Yes, Lieutenant, the Commander is fine. I found him at his apartment sound asleep. He didn't even know I was there." The admiral said.

Bud relaxed, "Thank goodness. After yesterday I thought something was seriously wrong."

"He's been pushing himself rather hard since he's come back, trying to make up for being gone." Harriet said.

"That's right. He's been taking on more paperwork and case work than anyone else. It's like he's trying to prove something. He's going to make himself sick if he's not careful" Carolyn Imes said.

"Too late I think. Commander Rabb wasn't looking to good yesterday when I went into his office to return the Jamison file." Bud said.

They had completely forgotten that the admiral was standing there listening to them. As he listened, A.J. realized that he had been pushing and maybe even punishing Harm too much. He knew that Rabb was an aviator at heart and to have the chance to fly again was a dream come true. Harm had no idea that the admiral had fallen hard for him and that when he left that he had nearly broken the older man's heart.

Harm had slept most of the day. When he did finally wake up he looked at the clock and knew the admiral was gonna kill him, it was nearly three in the afternoon and he was really late. He stumbled out of bed, his legs twisted up in the covers. As he staggered to the bathroom something seemed out of place. Harm looked around for his uniform, which he left a trail of he was sure. When Harm looked around he realized someone had been there and cleaned up for him. Someone knew he's been sleeping the day away, and he was still so damned tired.

It didn't take too long for Harm to find the note and he groaned. The admiral already knew he was fast asleep at home. However it did seem as thought the admiral wasn't too upset. Harm decided to take advantage of his day off and took another shower.

While Harm was in the shower, someone unlocked the front door and slipped quietly into the apartment. She was trying to be quiet until she heard the water running. Harriet was clattering around in the kitchen when the shower turned off. She half expected the Commander to come out and find her standing there, but he didn't. Harriet went looking for him and what she saw made her blush. Harm was coming out of the walled off bathroom with nothing covering him, not even a towel. The poor man was so exhausted he didn't even notice her, he just crawled back into bed and went back to sleep.

Harriet couldn't help but stare when Harm walked past the doorway. She shook herself and left as quietly as she had come. Harriet promised herself not to say anything about seeing the Commander in his state of undress though the image would haunt her memory for a while.

It was near seven that night when the admiral finally returned. A.J. let himself in quietly and went to see if Harm was still asleep. What he saw made him smile. Harm was in bed, the top sheet covering only his modesty but leaving the rest of him for the looking and A.J. did look. Once again his heart was stolen by this young man. He went to the kitchen and began to prepare something for them to eat.

The scent of shrimp stir fry woke Harm from his deep sleep. A.J. caught the movement through the glass blocks dividing the bedroom from the rest of the apartment.

"Get yourself dressed and come and eat. I'm sure you haven't had anything all day." The admiral said.

That made Harm jump out of bed. A.J. heard him hit the floor rather hard. "Be careful in there, I don't want to have to take you to the hospital for falling out of bed." A.J. tried to joke.

Harm pulled on a pair of sweat pants and a T-shirt and headed for the kitchen. "Just sit down and relax while I finish dinner."

Harm was stunned and automatically did as he was told. "I don't know what happened, sir. When I got home I just fell asleep and for the life of me I don't know why I did that."

"Take it easy, Harm. I'm not upset. I think I've finally begun to understand some things. Don't worry about that right now though. I've made us some dinner and I want you to eat it, no arguments. You were very sick yesterday and you haven't had anything so far today." A.J. said.

"I'm fine sir. I've just been trying to get all my work caught up so I can take my leave and not really have to worry about mountains of it waiting for me when I get back." Harm said.

"And you've been doing far more than your share of the work. I happened to come across certain information that indicates that you have been working far too hard."

"I just try to do my job, sir, as is expected of me." Harm said. He wasn't too sure where this was going and it was making him nervous.

"I am well aware of what is expected and what you've been doing since you've come back. You have nothing to prove, to me or to anyone. I'm sorry I made you think otherwise." A.J. said.

"You have every right to expect me to prove myself again. I was stupid to leave. I really am sorry I left the way I did. I am also glad you let me come home." Harm said.

"You are back where you belong. You don't have to work yourself to death to prove it. I want you to ease up on yourself and relax." A.J. said.

"I'll try, sir. I don't want to disappoint you." Harm said.

"Eat your dinner, Harm." A.J. said as he watched Harm enjoy the stir- fry he had made for them.

"This is good, sir." Harm said.

"You're not the only one that can cook."

When dinner was finished, Harm and A.J. worked together to clean up the leavings. A.J. watched him like a hawk the entire time. "I'm fine sir, just tired." Harm said without turning to look at him, the admiral smiled. "I know you are but I'm still concerned. When I came by this morning you didn't move a muscle when I came in. If I hadn't seen you breathing, I would have thought you were dead."

That made Harm stop and look at him. Then he turned bright red remembering that he had fallen into bed with nothing on. "Nothing I haven't seen before, Mr. Rabb." A.J. said.

Harm was still distracted by what the admiral had said he didn't notice a knife that was hiding in the water. When he reached for another plate from under the soapsuds, Harm drew his hand back with a surprised yelp, bright red blood was staining the bubbles pink.

"Damn, that hurt." Harm mumbled. He headed for the bathroom before A.J. could get a look at what was wrong but Harm was leaving a blood trail.

"What's wrong? What did you do?" A.J. asked.

Harm turned around and A.J. saw blood dripping down his arm. "How bad is it?" he asked.

"It hurts, sir. I'll clean it up in the bathroom, no problem." Harm said.

He took one step and slipped on the puddled blood. A.J. moved like lightening and caught him before Harm could crack his head on anything. "I'm going to take you to the ER just to be safe." A.J. said. "Don't argue with me. You're bleeding and you damn near split your head open. You are in no condition to deal with this yourself."

A.J. helped him to his feet and carefully guided him to the door. A.J. kept a steadying arm around the young man's waist as they waited for the elevator but ended up taking the stairs. Harm was becoming paler by the moment as they headed, now, for the admiral's car.

"Stay with me, Mr. Rabb. We'll be there soon." A.J. said. He drove as quickly as he could and dreaded each stop light.

A.J. was never more grateful to see the hospital lights than at that moment. "I need some help here." He called out to the first person he saw.

A young intern rushed to their side and instantly was all business when she saw the blood. "What happened, sir?" she asked.

"Doing dishes. I stuck my hand in the water and didn't bother to look at what I was doing." Harm said. His voice tight with pain. He was so pale that it was making A.J. nervous and the doctor worried.

"We'll take care of it right quick sir, don't fret." She said then turned to the admiral. "Why don't you wait out in the waiting area and fill out the necessary forms. It shouldn't take too long to fix this up."

"If you're sure?" A.J. asked then left the doctor to her work.

Harm sank back on the examination table, totally exhausted. "It's not that bad really. I'm afraid my boss is a bit of a worrier." Harm said.

"Sir, you have a deep cut here and you have been bleeding badly. I'm going to have some blood brought in so we can replace what you've lost. But this is more than just what happened tonight, isn't it?" she said.

"Just trying to tame all the paperwork on my desk before I go on leave." Harm mumbled as he fell asleep again.

The doctor took care of his hand and set up the transfusion. She stood there and watched him for a moment and then went to find the man that brought him in.

"How is he?" A.J. asked.

"He's asleep right now. I've got a transfusion going just to be safe. When it's done you can take him home. Your friend is exhausted and needs rest. He says he's been trying to 'tame all the paperwork'. I would suggest that someone takes some of whatever he's been working on and let him recoup his energy reserves. Otherwise he will make himself even sicker and end up hospitalized for it." She said. She led him to the exam room where Harm was sleeping.

"He looks so innocent laying there doesn't he?" the doctor said.

"Yes, he does. Are you sure he's going to be all right? He was violently ill yesterday and he slept most of today."

"As long as he takes it easy for a while I think he should be just fine. With the holidays and all he should have plenty of time to relax and recover from all the stress. Just don't let him take on more than he really should and he'll be just fine." The doctor said and left the two men to themselves.

A.J. pulled a rolling chair to the side of the exam table and sat down to wait for Harm to wake up. A.J. noticed that Harm lost a lot of worry, pain, and frustration when he slept. He looked so terribly young laying there in nearly broke A.J.'s heart.

"I'll take care of you, if you let me." He whispered. "You've already stolen my heart."

A.J. absently stroked Harm's hair while the younger man slept. In turn, Harm rolled over onto his side and snuggled closer to A.J. "I will win your heart somehow." A.J. vowed.

Next Part